Better or Worse?

I left for work before she was up this morning. The settee was empty – no Danny – I s’pose he was in with the old woman. I still had his key so unless she got the lock changed again I knew I’d be OK after work. Still, Marz is predictably unpredictable, especially when she’s on the hard stuff, so you can never really tell what sort of mood she’s going to be in. She could just as easily have forgotten about the locks as be waiting to spring on me with her claws out.

It’s funny, I still care about Danny and what happens to him but sleeping with Marz has wrecked the other feelings and just left a sort of desolation. I don’t know how I feel about her – maybe deadened – I’m not sure.

Called in on the Naidoos on the way home, bought fish fingers and oven chips, oranges for vitamin C. Binita made me char and fed me Indian snacks – samoosas, bhjajis and something called dal mooth. I stayed for ages, nibbling away like a starved rabbit, putting off the moment of truth I s’pose. Felt sick when I got outside.

Marz hadn’t locked me out tho. The key turned in the door and there was Danny watching TV and the smell of Spaghetti Bolognese escaping from the kitchen. I can’t remember when she last cooked anything decent.

‘Dinner in ten minutes, Jazz, OK?’ she yelled over the sound of White Christmas.

But I couldn’t face it. Just made it to the loo in time, lost all those spicy things down the pan.