Lost Again

Back at college this week trying to work hard. The problem is that they don’t make you – something called self-motivation’s needed and I always seem to seem have other things on my mind. But I got a Saturday job yesterday – just working in a tiny retro shop off the High Street – and you’ll never guess what I did to celebrate. Today I went to see Danny at the hospital. That’s not all tho. I called in to say Hi to Binita and Tarpan and had the coolest idea. I asked Binita to dress me up like that time I had to give Pete the slip, only so’s I’d pass in daylight this time. It took ages. The hair was the biggest problem but I thought What the hell and ran along to the chemist for some black hair colouring. Scary stuff. When all the mess was over Binita dressed me up in a red sari – not pink as that might’ve given the game away, and I borrowed her old coat again. It was weird to walk out the door as someone else, someone so different from me, and I felt sort of free as I hurried to the station. I had a funny feeling that Pete was about, wondered if he’d recognise me in my disguise, was quite disappointed when there was no sign of him.

I s’pose anyone looking closely at me would’ve known as my eyes are blue and fairly pale, but Binita says that some Indians do have blue eyes. Can’t remember where she said they came from. People tend to look a bit sideways at me anyway, all got up in pink, but it was different this time. They looked, but not in the same way. I can’t quite find the words to describe it. But there’s me feeling excited and a little scared at the thought of seeing Danny again and wondering what sort of state I’m going to find him in. Maybe he’ll hate me, refuse to speak, not that he ever spoke much anyway.

And then I’m going up the steps again, and at the desk the woman asks for my name and I tell her I’m Danny’s sister and she looks at me sideways too but points me in the direction of the day room.

And I open the door, and there’s Danny with his back to me, and I say Danny? quite softly and he turns around. And his face, for a minute it’s like my old teddy bear’s when I found him in the dustbin after Marz had chucked him out, before I rescued him, and Danny just stands there and I go over to him, and I’m saying Danny, don’t you know me? And he falls backwards into a chair all long legs like a spider and smiles – he actually smiles. And I say Danny, you aren’t cross with me for calling them and getting you put back in here are you?

And he says, No, no Jazz, I’m not cross and What are you like? And then he laughs, and I laugh because I’ve made Danny laugh. And we talk about stuff – just what’s happening at the hospital, and what things are like at home. And it seems he’s changed and he says it’s because they’ve got him on some new tablets and he’s eating fish like I said and feeling better. And I’m right back where I started with him.