Happy New Year

The last three days’ve been hell. I put off going for food for as long as I could but yesterday Danny suddenly got hungry and started to make up for lost time. When he’d eaten everything possible, even down to little cakes I cooked in the microwave from a mixture of Flora, water, flour and curry powder he started pacing, picking up stuff and dropping it, looking under the chairs in the sitting room, in the cupboards and drawers, turning stuff out onto the floor. I caught hold of him then, turned him round to face me. His eyes were weird, huge pupils, a look of terror almost, yet I don’t think he can have been smoking shit or I’d have noticed the smell, and he can’t have had cash for anything harder. I got fierce – told him to sit and watch TV, wait for me while I went down to Tarpan and Binita’s on the corner and fetched us something to eat. He seemed to calm down a bit then and I left him, ran down the road.

Tarpan knew there was something wrong, tried to get me to tell him what it was, and I’d have liked to but knew I had to get back to Danny as fast as I could. I’d been gone about ten minutes – it can’t have been more – and I smelt the burning as soon as I opened the front door. He’d put the Flora in the microwave and it’d caught on fire, turned all the plastic inside to charcoal just about. Not only that but while it’d been cooking he’d wrecked the place, finished the job of tipping out all the drawers and cupboards, pulled all the clothes off the beds, dragged the cutains down – you name it – if it wasn’t nailed or screwed Danny had piled it in the middle of the carpet, and I can’t be sure what was in his head but he had a lighter in his hand – one of those disposable ones – so maybe I just got back in time. He seemed calmer even than when I’d left, dazed almost, let me lead him to the settee and cover him with the duvet. In half an hour he was asleep lying on his side, long dark curly lashes resting on his cheek. I sat there watching him for a while. He’s so beautiful. I’d got Danny to myself, but never knew it’d be so hard, so impossible. There wasn’t much of a choice, was there? So I did it – had to. Went to my room where he wouldn’t hear and rang the hospital. The police and ambulance got here in seven minutes. Danny stirred bit when he heard the siren but didn’t cotton on until they came in. I’d left the door open. I thought he might go ballistic when he saw them, but he didn’t. He cried, which was worse, and when they’d gone I cried too. That was this morning and I’ve been crying on and off ever since – haven’t even cleared the place up. If Marz comes homes she’ll throw a fit. And where is she? My life sucks.