It's my life...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Does it count?

It was nice. Soft, gentle, like when I was younger and used to run to my room and sink into the pink silk cushion and hold onto it when Marz was a bitch to me. There was something comforting, delicious, something lovely about Ali’s plump body. No rush or panic either. Just a slow-motion sliding into loss of control with no reason to put the brakes on. Not scary at all. And afterwards I felt so… well different, relaxed for the first time in too long. So. Am I or aren’t I? Still a virgin, that is? We lay there, on my bed, all warm and tangled. I had a bit of a moment then, when I saw their eyes, and whispered to Ali that the dolls had been watching us. She only laughed. ‘You’re a loopy cow, Jazz,’ she said, but then she kissed me again so I didn’t mind.

After a bit we heard Marz come in. We lay there trying not to breathe or laugh, but I couldn’t help imagining the look on Marz’s face if she came in and found us like that. For once I was at a loss to know what she’d do or say. I mean. Marz is a slut, and she’s always telling me to get myself a guy to fuck, but God knows what she’d say about a girl. After a bit we heard the door open and shut again and felt she’d gone. Ali got up, started to get dressed, and all at once I couldn’t stick the thought of being alone again. ‘Stay with me Ali,’ I said, ‘just for tonight.’ But she had to go – something to do with seeing her Dad, who’s separated from her mum and down from the North for the weekend.

I tried to think when she’d gone, but fell asleep, dreamt I was a little green snake sliding through a flowerbed. It was so weird, all these thick stalks, and huge leaves like umbrellas, glimpses of yellow daisies like multiple suns high above me. I wonder what’ll happen next? Maybe I don’t care.