It's my life...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I don’t know, I just don’t know. Everything I do seems to be wrong, and even when I think I’ve cracked it that goes wonky too. So here’s me keeping up with college more or less and tiptoeing round Marz in the hour or so that we cross paths, except when she gives me a poke with one of her stubby red-clawed fingers or winds me up with a dig and sets me snarling and snapping. We’re like two animals that choose to come back to our cage to sleep cos there’s no place else to go. I don’t know why I bother. Sometimes I just feel like sleeping and not waking up, staying in some weird dream where time means nothing at all. And it’s as if I don’t know how I feel anymore – Danny, Andy, Marz – I’m in a sort of limbo just waiting for something to happen, something out of my control, some asteroid to collide with my life and change everything cos one thing’s for sure and that’s that things have to change soon as I feel like I’m sat on the edge of a precipice to scared to twitch.

Yesterday in English Lit I thought of me in Andy’s flat, in Andy’s bed, waiting for him, then falling asleep like that. I spurted sweat like a bloody fountain and had to rush out and be sick in the loos. Ms Garner sent Ali after me to see if I was okay and I ended up blubbing like a two-year-old who’s lost its dummy or maybe its mummy, tho I wouldn’t know what that’s like as Marz has never been a proper mum. It was the sympathy that did it – I’d have been alright without that, but Ali’s good at sympathy, which is maybe why Ms. Garner sent her. It was like someone had pulled the plug out and emptied me, or like the dyke before the Dutch kid stuck his finger in the hole and all that water was flooding in faster and faster as the hole got bigger except that Ali’d not so much stuck her finger in as pulled it out, not that it was ever there. Ignore all that, it sounds bad. I'm not a lessie, at least I don't think so.

So I told her stuff I should’ve kept quiet about, and that’s not like me at all, and now I’m thinking that maybe the asteroid I was waiting for is Ali telling the others that I’m still a virgin and too scared to lose it, and everyone knowing and all this sniggering everywhere I go and I’ll have to leave, to give up the idea of making something of myself and getting away. I told her about Danny too, and wearing Binita’s sari and dark make-up to visit him in the hospital, and her face – it was like I’d slapped it with a kipper or something. I went home after that. I’m not going in today. Perhaps she won’t say anything. Who am I trying to kid? Of course she will – it’s too juicy to keep quiet about. Maybe I’ll rest up, get a bit stronger then bite my tongue off, go back and get on with it.